Excerpt from the Ramblings of Severus Snape, PM
by LadyBrannon
Summary: ~Complete~ Sequel to "An Excerpt from the Diary of Hermione Anne Granger!" Severus' version of Hermione and her seduction of him.
1. Introduction

September 2, 1991

Today, I had the Boy-Who-Lived in my class for the first time. If this is to be the savior of the Wizarding World, he has much to learn. He did not know that a bezoar comes from the stomach of a goat. To further my disappointment, it seems I have another know-it-all in my class and she seems worse than the ones before her. To make matters worse, she partnered with Potter. Dear Merlin, please do not let them become friends. I'm not sure Hogwarts could survive their antics. The bloody Boy-Who-Lived being steered by a snotty brat with Know-It-All tendencies…may the gods and goddesses have mercy on our world. 

---------------Insert several years of antics by the Gryff Three--------------------------------------------


	2. The Excerpt

July 17, 2000 

10:21 am 

I once again find myself returning to this wretched learning institution for another year of self-induced Hades. Potions are my only retreat…and now, I must teach my one great escape to scores of clueless imbeciles. Were it not for my longstanding agreement with Headmaster Dumbledore, I would take to the night and fly away. Upon reading that last statement, I must now consider the fact that I just may be a bat like the students whisper behind my back.  

12:42 pm

Bloody Hell! I just overheard Headmaster saying that the Know-It-All chit is coming back to teach! One can only hope she has learned to control that bushy hair. And, Merlin's great white beard…remember those buck teeth?  Of course, she was wise enough to trick Poopy (…oops, Freudian slip), I mean Poppy, into shortening them. You know, on second thought, this could be a wonderfully dull year, rather than the normal abysmal year. I can torture a former student. If I was a vampire, like so many of the bloody students think, I would throw my head back and cackle evilly. Alas, I am not. So, I will settle with a gleeful smirk. 

8:17 pm

Could this day get any worse? It seems that Potter's President of his Pep Club will return on the 'morrow. I have very little time to prepare my scathing remarks and suitable put downs. What? Honestly, did you think they came naturally to me? I'll have you know that I work very hard for my witticism. Granted, one must have an aptitude for said subject; but that is a given. One does not have swarthy good looks and not catch a glimpse of the dark side. I simply have a double helping because of my former ties to one evil bastard. 

11:53 pm

That was most interesting. Dumbledore sent a book of poetry down to my chambers earlier in the evening. He sent a short note with it saying that I would enjoy the poems and maybe even garner a few tidbits of needed information. While I have no idea what the senile, ole' bastard is up to, the book was really quite good. Some muggle twit named 

Lord Byron…

July 18

11:41 am

I spent the entire morning re-labeling and reorganizing my potions. I find disorder and chaos as appealing as babysitting that great oaf's magical creatures. 

2:34 pm

Once again, I secluded myself in my quarters. I worked on my potion schedule. I swear I have to "dumb" down the bloody classes every year. And, people wonder why the Wizarding World seems to be decaying. They should take a step back and look at their prodigy. 

8:04 pm

Oh my! I do not think that I have wanted to almost laugh so much in my life. Do you remember me saying that Bushy Hair Granger was returning to Hogwarts? Well tonight, she made a complete fool of herself! Apparently, she is attracted to someone here at Hogwarts (what an honor…); she took it upon herself to do a little show with a Twinkie. She took a big bite and was pushing crème around with her tongue. I noticed "Spot" seemed to have a hard time walking out of the Great Hall. Merlin, I hope for his sake; she is not after him. Even a dog does not deserve that. 

July 20

3:29 pm

Headmaster called me into his office today. He wanted to have tea. One must really question the sanity of the old fruitcake. He wanted to know if I had seen any nice, young ladies lately. What, may I ask, would I do with them if I found one? Scare her with my infamous scowl? I know, I will send her into ecstasy with the billowing of my robes. Bloody Hell…I almost laughed again. This must stop. Tomorrow, I will search my potion books and find a smirking potion. I will prevail.

10:34 pm

I, once again, read the poetry book. Lord Byron was quite the scoundrel. I think I might have tolerated him. 

July 27

11:49 am

Headmaster has once again sent me a book. This one is called Sons and Lovers by a certain Mr. D.H. Lawrence. Mr. Lawrence must have been a cad. Honestly, writing of such filth and sexual innuendos. I like it. 

9:15 pm

Dinner was an awful event. First, the House Elves served shepherd's pie for dinner. Disgusting, really, how some creatures mix foods that were meant to be apart for ingesting. Next, "Spot" was in rare form and insisted on informing all of us how his weekend in London went. The thought of anyone shagging the old mutt makes my skin crawl. And last, but not least; the KIA (new name for the Know-it-All) seemed intent on watching me tonight. If I were any less mannered than I am, I would have checked to see if a bogey was hanging out my nose. Honestly! 

July 31

11:21 pm

That bloody girl touched me! Who the hell does she think she is? Right there at dinner, she leaned over and placed her hand on my thigh. As if that was not enough, she followed me to the dungeons. When she called to me, I had the sickening realization that I was the poor sap who had caught her attention. Damn it to hell! I am proud to say that I shut her down quite nicely. I told her that her attempts at seduction were hideously Gryffindor in nature. Please note that I found my self cackling evilly once in my chambers. Still am actually…

August 1

11:43 pm

Again! She touched me again! Who does this chit think she is? I am afraid she pushed me a bit too far. I pretended to be incredibly aroused by her "suggestive maneuvers" and took her on. I got her all hot and bothered then kicked her out on her arse. Unfortunately for me, I think I might be a tad attracted to her. I had my first arousal in several years (not counting the morning stiffie, one cannot control those, you know). Figures that my body would betray me in such a callous way, I have not exactly been nice to it. It is probably paying me back for all those hexes and such.

August 2

10:58 am

This is war. Damn woman sent me a picture of herself doing a striptease. There she was in all her glory, pert breasts and luscious hips. I almost immediately had a "Class A" arousal. Thank goodness for loose billowing robes. I left immediately. Unfortunately, I took the picture with me. I am sure she now thinks I AM attracted to her; frankly, I'm worried she is right. When did it even become a concept that Bushy and I could become lovers? What am I thinking?  What has she DONE to me? Dear Merlin, has she slipped me one of my own potions? It is time to fight fire with fire (or water, whatever puts her and her desire O-U-T). 

10:17 pm

Headmaster sent for me again. Once again, we had tea and crumpets. He wanted to discuss how he loved a good chase. A chase of what…he never mentioned. He went on and on about chasing, catching and enjoying. Honestly, the man is completely off his rocker. No matter, I need to explain what I have done to take care of one Ms. KIA! I apparated to Diagon Alley and went to a shop there called Messages by Magical Creatures. I have hired a Leprechaun to do a striptease in front of all of our colleagues in the Great Hall. I bet that will quell her desires and prevent that Gryffindor courage from responding. I truly love being a cunning Slytherin.

August 4

8:05 am

Today is the day. I shall be wearing my finest smirk today. 

2:26 pm

Dear Morgana…that was the funniest thing I have ever seen. He swished and flicked like Filibus Flitwick during a ridiculous charm's lesson. First time, I have had any desire to watch any type of "silly wand waving" in years. She was completely embarrassed. That should be that, the fat lady has belted her last note. ~Finis~

7:41 pm

Damn mutt has to stick his nose in other people's business. Thinks he's Miss Bushy's guardian now…He should be glad Dumbledore saved his flea-bitten arse. I was ready to hex him into next week. I'm going to take a nice, relaxing bath of chamomile oil and get some slumber. 

August 5

11:39 am

I have spent the last few hours going over the ingredient list needed for the first few weeks of school. Needless to say, KIA has left me alone. I really am too good sometimes. 

8:43 pm

 An incredible dinner was served tonight. Headmaster had the House Elves serve sea scallops seared in black truffle oil with a side of sweetened wasabi and served over garlic creamed potatoes. It was incredible. Dessert was a scrumptious marjolaine. Simply incredible… KIA kept to herself. She has not even been sending me gazes of any sort. She speaks to the dog beside her and leaves me the hell alone. Perfecto!

 August 6

10:59 am

Headmaster has once again called me to his office. He wanted to discuss my feelings of sharing my work space. I, of course, responded that I saw no need. I was a Potion Master and did my job very well. I needed no help; therefore, I need not share my space. Albus got an amused look on his face and asked me if, as a Potion Master, I would not want to encourage a fellow potion expert. My retort was simple and succinct. I knew of no one close by that filled that position. Albus simply chuckled and said that HE did. I inquired as to whom he knew that held that position. He informed me that Professor Granger was indeed a potion's expert, and that she would like to continue some research she started in college. I snorted elegantly, but nodded my head in acquiescence. I kept my mouth closed, but I knew she was up to something. As I walked back to the dungeons, I pondered the possibilities of what she could be up to. The most likely was a love potion. I decided to spend my evening brushing up on preventing love potions by ingestion or osmosis. Cheeky Chit was going to restart the game. Ahhh, but I am one step ahead of her. I really am too smart for my own damn good. Seriously…you should know better than to question me.

3:37 pm

So, I set up her lab for her. I made it as impeccable as I would my own. I did not want another tea with Headmaster to discuss the importance of working with my colleagues. 

When she approached me at dinner, I reacted much as I did in Headmaster's office. At the snort, she offered me a folder of materials. Unbelievable…she really had done potion research in college. Furthermore, she really did have a reason to continue in her research. She is working on a potion answer to the binding charm. It would last longer, but have a specified duration; rather than needing a "Finitatum Incantate." It was a fabulous idea and was most likely correct in its logic…

However, I am not deterred from the idea she is up to something. I take her to her research area and a while later; the bloody girl comes to my rooms and proves me right. Thank Merlin I had stuck to my belief and read up on potion preventions. The scheming bugger went after a nose hair!!!! First off, there is only ONE potion that requires the drinker's nose hair. Second, she had the cajones to come and take it directly off my person. Who the hell does she think she is? Oh alright, I admit I am finding this very exhilarating. S-H-U-T U-P! You think I cannot hear your snickers. Don't make me hex you…

August 7 

6:45 am

Fucking bitch…she knew I was on to her. She even set me up by placing a cupcake that she made on the table during dinner. Even though she had made everyone a cupcake, she knew I would not touch mine with a ten foot pole. I did not trust her and she knew it. However, it seems that when she was on her damnable S.P.E.W. campaign; she made friends with a House Elf or two. She then was Slytherin enough to talk them into putting the potion in my dinner. Not, that she probably had to plead too much with the House Elves. I'm not exactly known for my sweet disposition, you know? So, I ingested the personality altering potion and found myself "getting down" all night with my female colleagues. Dear Merlin, the shudders caused by my actions last night are still traveling down my spine. Ugh! I danced, and I seemed to like it. Can you imagine? Therefore, I find the need to put this to bed, now! Since I do not sleep a lot, I spent the night working diligently on my next course of action. I have created the most heinously Slytherin pay back I could fathom. I covertly entered Miss KIA's private chambers and transfigured her wand into a phallic nightmare. After I transfigured it, I charmed it to take on the characteristics of said item. Yes, it would wiggle, giggle and spray just like the real thing. After she begins dealing with that outrageous issue, I am going to smack her down with something else. As soon as I can, I am going to follow with the Touch of Ecstasy Charm. The Touch of Ecstasy charm is a rare hex that causes the affected person to put an orgasm spell on any he/she touches. Once touched by the affected, only suffering through (or enjoying) three orgasms will break the spell. Should be amusing to watch, no? However, I am not quite finished with the young KIA. After all that, I will then deal the final blow. I have an order sitting here for the local apothecary. I have ordered, on behalf of one Miss Hermione Granger, several…I shall call them "feminine" items. I will arrange to have them arrive during dinner. I am truly one of the best Slytherins to have ever graced these halls. Truly…I am.

Could this day get any better? Headmaster just sent me a message stating that several of us are to meet after breakfast to strengthen the wards around the school. Miss Bushy Hair will not be spared the ultimate humiliation. Remind me not to complain the next time the man asks me to join him for tea and crumpets. 

10:23 pm

What a truly wonderful day. Had I any desire to sing, you would hear me belting an enchanting aria that has never been heard before. Since I do not (nor shall I ever), I will simply take great delight in telling you how my day of sweet revenge went. 

First off, Miss KIA had to use her phallic wand to strengthen the wards on the school. To make it even better, she was partnered with the dog. He was rolling on the floor like a puppy being trained. It really was most evil of me to do it. However, I admit it was most satisfying to see her humiliated in front of most of the staff. 

Once we were finished with the wards and decided to head back to the Great Hall for lunch, I put the second part of my plan in to action. I hexed her with the Touch of Ecstasy Spell. Her first victim was the Headmaster. I WOULD have felt really bad except I found out that Albus had been aiding Miss KIA with her plots. To my somewhat delight (and I do mean immense), the next one touched was the mangy mutt! He was on the ground howling like a bitch in heat. Could this day get any better? Why, yes it could. It seemed that the little, Gryffindor witch figured out that she was causing the problem. Then, I saw her test it on Minerva, the big, Gryffindor witch. Had I not ever, ever wanted to know what that ole' cranky woman looked like while in the throes of passion; I probably would have liked it even more. As it were, I was slightly amused when Pomfrey arrived to remove the afflicted to the infirmary. Once inside, I suggested that maybe the little twit should not sit at the table with us because of her current issue. Most everyone agreed with me. So, Miss KIA was banned to a student's table. To further enhance my nearly superb feeling, Peeves came in and showered her in ectoplasm. 

To complete my better than average day, her "supplies" arrived from the apothecary in Hogsmeade. She received feminine products, underwear, a product to cure feminine itching and a suggestive costume. Her face was a bright shade of red. I liked this. Besides, she was cute with that blush on her face. Oh Merlin, I AM attracted to the witch. Damn! 

There was one drawback of the day…I saw several of the female professors become sympathetic to her plight. I really would hate to take them all on at once. It would be most nasty. 

August 10

11:23 am

Where do I begin? The last 24 hours have been unbelievably chaotic and fruitful. They have also been incredibly erotic and overwhelmingly disgusting.

It began yesterday morning at breakfast. She asked if she could come by my office and discuss my teaching methods. How absolutely ignorant does she think I am? No one in their right mind would employ my methods of teaching. She is positively the most transparent Gryffindor I have ever met. Her earlier cunning was obviously pure serendipity. I responded with a brief…I think not. However, to my immense disgust; the Headmaster intervened with some bullock about needing to aid our fellow colleagues. So, I found myself telling her to be in my dungeons at 2 pm. 

I thought I had prepared for all possibilities. However, I was wrong. It never occurred to me that the "Bitches in Heat" would actually show up and help KIA. I figured they would give her pointers, but let her do all the work. I WAS WRONG! Dear Merlin, I was wrong…

KIA had the nerve to show up three seconds too early (she did it to annoy me; she knows how I pride myself on punctuality).     

No matter, I decided to play it cool. I continued reading the book on my desk. After a few moments of silence (most unlike the precocious KIA), I decided to look up and see what the problem was. That was a mistake, one of many. 

There she was standing in the very outfit I had sent her the day before. She looked gorgeous. Her face had taken on this wonderful hue of bronze and gold. Her body was truly delectable. Her skin was smoother than a French Merlot sitting on the tongue. 

I, apparently, gaped long enough for one of her cohorts to magically tie me to my chair. I found this out when I tried to stand to put the witch in her place. I asked her what she thought she was doing…she said taking what was hers. Can you believe that? As if I am a possession to be owned. This young twit was in serious trouble once I got out of these bonds. 

She then flicked her wand and revealed Hooch, McGonagall and Sprout. Bloody Hell, they were all going to pay when I got free!

I find myself shuddering in disgust while conveying the next part of the event. Hooch, McGonagall, Sprout and KIA began belly dancing all over my person. They were everywhere all at once…invading MY space in MY dungeons. How dare they do this to me…

Within minutes, they changed their tactics. Professor Sprout jumped in my lap and began dancing. Dear Morgana, the woman was possessed. If the woman ever found herself without a teaching job, she might find a job as an erotic dancer. She was actually very talented and to my horror…I was responding to all their ministrations. Someone was running their hands through my hair. No one had ever touched my hair in that manner. I found myself biting back a moan. Another body was giving me a back rub with something other than their hands. I liked it. 

The song changed and KIA was in my lap. She was imitating Sprout; however, she was doing a much more effective job.  I was rock hard. She then clapped her hands with a snap and they all ceased their actions. 

KIA asked me if I give. Give? Hell no, I did not give. 

She informed me that it was not over. The twit placed a patch over my eye. I felt bodies moving against me. I had no idea who was where. I then felt my clothes being removed. The dungeons were quite cold, so it was hard to say if my goose bumps were from their touch or the cool air. Soon there after, I felt my body go into sensation overload. Someone was sucking my fingers while another was licking and nipping my ear. I tried to stifle the moan, but was not successful. I could hear my deranged colleagues snigger in delight. Someone began grinding their hips into my groin. This was quickly becoming a test of my endurance. 

Once again I heard two claps and a snap. The old hags and one young hag stopped their actions. KIA asked me if I gave.  Hmmm…let me think. "NO!"

She murmured something again and I soon found my front side being attacked by three grinding bodies. Behind me, someone was rubbing my head with something. If I did not know better, I would think they were shaving my head. 

Oh my gods and goddesses! They did shave my head and now they were licking it. It was one of the most erotic moments in my life. 

She asked me again if I gave. I returned the same, simple answer. 

She retorted her standard response and moved one side of my eye patch. She turned, flicked her wand and unlocked the door. In walked two cross dressers sporting whips and chains. 

They left me in there alone with these dominatrix, cross dressing people. They began flicking their whips expertly around me. Coming as close as possible, but never touching. They continued this for a while and stopped. KIA sauntered sexily back into the room without her helpers. She walked to me, drew her finger up my chest and cuffed me under the chin. Once again, she asked me if I gave. I said an emphatic, "no."

She snorted out her standard response and began a wonderful tortuous trip down my chest with her mouth. She entices one nipple and then the other. I was on fire. She continued her attention to my chest and began rubbing my thigh. She was driving me mad. I threw my head back in rapturous desire. I could deny her no longer. She asked me if I gave. I gasped out that I did. 

She did not release me. Instead, she made her actions bolder. I was close to the edge and the wench knew it. She told me to beg, as if I had a choice at this point. I begged. 

She released me from my binds. I jumped up taking her with me. I hastily cleaned my desk, and pushed her backwards. I joined her to me. I drove into her over and over. At one point she asked for more, I made a slight adjustment and drove her home. Her body was dancing in ecstasy and soon she had me joining her.

I dropped my head to her chest and caught my breath. As she rubbed my bald head, I let her know that this was war. 

She responded with slight amusement, "I certainly hope so."

Can you believe that? Never in my wildest dreams would I have dreamt that the young witch would be my lover. Not just my lover, but my seducer. I had never been so enthralled mentally and physically in my life. 

I am sitting here at my desk watching her sleep. She woke me twice more during the night. She is insatiable. And I love it. This should be most interesting. Well, I must be going…I slipped her the weightless potion about 20 minutes ago. Things should be getting very intriguing soon. I think a good shag while taking a shower just might hit the spot. If not, we should have time to test out another few ideas.


	3. May 1, 2003

May 3, 2003

Today is my wedding day. I will be marrying the only witch that has ever fulfilled me on every plane. We have an interesting relationship of quid pro quo. The coming years should be most interesting and fruitful. 

My Hermione believes that she will be pulling a big one on me today. A trip to the moon, to meet the man in the moon and a bit of weightless sex, is what she thinks we are doing (without my knowledge of course...) Yes, I know her lipstick is a port key. She made the mistake of leaving her supplies out one night. It was so obvious what she was planning. 

Therefore, I felt it my right to let her know that I do not lose. I will not kiss her lips. I will kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear the charm to diffuse the port key. I want her to know that I have one upped her. Then, I will touch my corsage three times and send us to the moon. After all, I like weightless sex as much as the next guy. I just also happen to like a riled up Hermione during sex. She's much more adventurous that way. Yes, the snarky Potion Master might almost sorta smile today. 


End file.
